According to a JoseTheMVP website Guestbook Page exclusive, Harrison Kane Gardner was brought into the world at 12:14 am this morning (November 11, 2004). Happy Birthday Little Assassin and congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Assassin. According to the Guestbook Page news item, both Little Assassin and his mom are doing well. The Little Assassin (TLA) was reported as weighing in at eight pounds and one ounce and was, get this, 21 inches long. That's right, 21 inches long. This kid already has power forward written all over him. I immediately referred to one of my pediatric medicine textbooks, from when I was pre-med in college, and found a chart that indicates that The Little Assassin (TLA) should be approximately 6'5" and 235 pounds by the time he's a 17-year old. That means that by the time TLA is a junior in high school, in approximately the year 2022, he will be beating the hell out of his competition on whatever athletic field of endeavor he decides to undertake, be it the gridiron, the lacrosse field or (God forbid) the basketball court. Just imagine how much more damage The Assassin could cause if he possessed the size that TLA is going to have, not that The Assassin hasn't caused enough personal injury in his own right. I'm just thankful that my youngest child is 13-years old right now and will never have to square off against TLA in any athletic competition. Insurance premiums for all new parents are about to skyrocket with word that TLA is now on the scene. I just hope that I'm around during the high school reign of TLA from approximately 2019 through 2023.  ---------- In an attempt at humor, I'd also like to comment on TLA's real moniker - Harrison Kane Gardner. It's obvious to me that The Assassin and his wife plan on making their son a real Renaissance Man with the choice of Harrison as a first name. Think of it. When hanging out in the north end of town playing ball against future Blacktoppers, TLA will surely be called Harry or Assassin while having a beer with his colleagues. But, when attending official suares' in the south end of town, TLA can use his official Harrison prefix and fit right in with the southenders, while dining on caviar, champagne and lobster. This kid is sure to be a hit with any type of crowd. I'm just glad that our infrequent fellow Blacktopper and Old Colony football coach, David Harrison, didn't come up with the idea of this first name for his son. Only kidding, of course. Congratulations again Mr. and Mrs. Gardner and, Assassin, I hope to toast the arrival of TLA with you and a beer in the near future.            

     As we all know, Lennon and McCartney wrote and performed "Helter Skelter" as members of the Beatles. Few people know that John Lennon, after he left the Beatles, wrote two versions of a song titled "Imagine". One version became very popular and is still played on various radio stations to this day. The other version, written with input from Yoko Ono (who supposedly knew the subject of this second version in the biblical sense), was never published by Apple Records, or any other record publishing company. Through exhaustive research, I have uncovered the lyrics to the second unpublished version of "Imagine", as follows:

Imagine Robes had game

It's very hard to do,

No fouls, traveling or turnovers

And no quitting too.

Imagine all the Blacktoppers

Wanting Robes to play,

You - hoo - oo - oo - oo

You may say I'm a dreamer

I know I'm the only one,

I hope some day Robes plays well

And his team finally wins one.

         Although I haven't attended the Blacktop in a while, which I will address seperately, I have received word from a very reliable confidential informant that a new Gonsalves family member is on the way. Of course, this immediately raises some issues regarding the article that was written some time ago and appears directly above this one. Namely, not only are we thrilled that there'll be another new future Blacktopper coming in 2005, but we're looking at direct possible competition for The Little Assassin (TLA) in all athletic endeavors. First, I'd like to congratulate Kurtis and Julie on the news, as well as the rest of the Gonsalves family, and, secondly, I'd like to discuss some of the repercussions that this news brings. Let's, for the sake of argument, say that Julie has a boy who, of course, will be named Kurtis Junior or, as we Blacktoppers will call him, KJ. The fireworks should begin early, such as in one of those YMCA basketball instruction leagues. Envision, if you will, some non-basketball playing parent/coach trying to teach TLA, on one team, and KJ, on the other team, the finer points of sportsmanship out on the hardwood and that "it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game". As soon as the ball is tossed, in the true Blacktopper spirit and in emulation of his old man, TLA drills KJ with a forearm to the back of the head, steals the ball and takes it in for a layup. KJ, having been warned by his father what might happen with TLA on the opposing team, immediately takes the ball up the court and, ala Michael Jordan versus the Utah Jazz in the NBA playoffs years ago, shoves TLA away while drilling an 8-footer from the top of the improvised key at the 7' rim made especially for five and six year olds. Meanwhile, while TLA and KJ go at it furiously, the other eight 5 and 6-year olds, from both teams,  just stand off to the side, refusing their fathers' pleas to get involved in the action. One kid is heard to say to his dad, "Daddy, I want to go home and play PlayStation. It's safer than playing with these two guys". Although the Y doesn't keep score at these instruction league games, in order to maintain the true flavor of sportsmanship and instruction only, TLA starts trash-talking KJ because TLA scored all 6 of his team's points while KJ scored all 5 of his team's points. KJ, just like his old man, tells TLA to "ram it", realizing that TLA is almost a year older and that there'll be plenty more of these battles to follow throughout the Boys' Club, AAU, high school, etc. Hell, a truly scary thought is TLA and KJ hooked up on the same team in one of these leagues or travel teams. Talk about culture shock for the parents and coaches of other temas from outside of southeastern Massachusetts who might not have heard of KJ or TLA. I can see KJ and TLA playing together in an AAU tournament somewhere in Connecticut versus some unsuspecting team of 12-year olds from somewhere else. TLA (age: 12+) rebounds and outlets the ball to KJ (age: just turned 12) who takes it down the floor on the break, dribbles once through his legs past one defender, behind his back past another defender, and then hits a lane-filling TLA with a perfect bounce pass. TLA, drawing what's left of the defense, then passes it back to KJ for the layup. Meanwhile, while the refs are watching the ball go through the hoop, TLA, just to make it interesting, elbows one of their opponents in the stomach - not in an attempt to hurt the kid - just to set the groundrules early. Yeah, this should really be something. Meanwhile, their fathers, old and decrepid, and KJ's grandfather,  aunt and uncle are still mixing it up at the deSilva residence, while TLA and KJ absorb every move made out on the court before jumping in Hamhocks' pool. Should be a lot of fun. Alas, I'm not going to get into what happens should Julie have a girl. Of course, she'll still be a great athlete, as the Gonsalves women have already proven. What I'd rather not get into is the reputation that TLA has already begun with his antics in the nursery at the hospital right after his birth. Should Julie have a girl, I'll explore those possibilities at a much later date.                

WARRANT ISSUES FOR MRS. ROBERGE

                Poor Mrs. Roberge! Hamhocks tells the story of a few years ago when a liquored up Steve "Spec" Roberge physically forced his poor mother to drive him through the Taco Bell drive-thru window to get some healthy Mexican food. Of course, Robes being Robes (any of you Blacktoppers out there know exactly what I mean by that), just having his mother drive through the drive-thru like any normal person just doesn't suffice. No, Robes made the lady BACK THROUGH the drive-thru window, taking the unsuspecting staff at Taco Bell completely by surprise. All of a sudden, there's a vehicle that has backed up to their window with a drunken, incoherent shotgun operator slurring his order at them. Fortunately, Mrs. Roberge was able to decipher her son's unintelligent drivel and translated Robes' order to the staff for him. Luckily, the moment passed without incident and Robes got to chow down on his enchiladas. Fast forward a few years and look at what Robes has done this time. Spec and his mom go cruising around Portsmouth, Rhode Island, when an inebriated Robes decides that he just has to have a box of Dunkin Munchkins right away. Mrs. Roberge, knowing the drill by now, backs into the Dunkin Donuts parking lot and, in reverse all of the way, backs right up to the drive-thru window. Unfortunately, there's a person in his vehicle already at the window innocently purchasing a dozen donuts for his children. On Spec's command, Mrs. Roberge continues backing, slams into the other vehicle already at the window and propels the vehicle into the wall of the building. Robes screams for his mom to bolt and, impulsively, Mrs. Roberge decks her vehicle and leaves the scene. The poor guy in the other vehicle bangs his head off of the windshield and is knocked unconscious. When this other guy wakes up, cops have busted his window, planted somewhere between 7 and 18 baggies with heroin residue in them and begun emergency medical lifesaving techniques on him that he doesn't even need. An ambulance transports the guy to the hospital where he requests a bloodtest, but the hospital staff refuses to give him the bloodtest and discharges him. Then, get this, the cops try to say that he REFUSED the bloodtest. This poor bugger's life is now in ruin and his upstanding reputation besmirched because Robes got hungry while out of state. Meanwhile, the Portsmouth RI police, unable to conduct a decent investigtion by themselves, reach out to Jose The MVP Gonsalves for assistance. As soon as The MVP hears the MO (that's modus apperendi for you non-cop show watchers) he's got a suspect in mind. Knowing Robes' penchant for making his mother back through drive-thru windows, The MVP checks the Robergemobile and sees the rear end damage that matches the other vehicle that was already in the drive-thru. The MVP interviews Spec who, of course, immediately fingers his mother as the operator of the vehicle while whining, "I didn't do nothin. I swear. It was her." So now Mrs. Roberge is on the lam and there's a warrant for her arrest issued out of the Newport District Court. The other guy is in all of the papers looking like a common junkie and Robes just continues to march. Unbelieveable! I swear that this is THE true version of these recent events. Well, maybe not swear, but I'm serious - kinda.     

"Hey Robes" (Lennon/McCartney) Sung to "Hey Jude"

Hey Robes, you play real bad -- Take your sad shot, can't make them better -- Remember to pass Assassin the ball -- Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Robes, don't be afraid -- You were made to make another turnover -- The minute you finally give up the ball -- Then you begin to make it better.

And everytime you lose the game, hey Robes, refrain -- Your team will carry you on their shoulders -- For well you know that it's a fool, who plays with you -- By making his team another loser.

Da da da da da da, da da da

Hey Robes, your game is bad -- Take your sad shots, can't make them better -- Remember not to let Assassin under your skin -- Then you'll begin to make it Better better better better better better, oh.

Da da da da da da, da da da, Hey Robes